So I’m sitting at my desk this morning and all of the sudden I hear this screaming and yelling coming down the hallway toward my office. Through my door comes Cub Reporter Jimmy Olsen kicking and cursing, going off about “If I take the time to write it, you’d better damn well post it” and “It’s James, not fackin’ Jimmy”. About the time he lunges at me, I reach down for the cattle prod I keep under my desk for radio salespeople. He bounces off of the prod like it was a $180 pogo stick and lands across the room on the floor against the wall. In the words of Bill’s brother Bud “That gentled him down a bit”. Apparently he sent me the following, sometime Sunday morning. Or at least he thought he did. Upon further review, we figure out that he sent it to the Ladies Home Journal (he’s on their Health and Fitness mailing list). It appears that they’ve taken the post down (for reasons which will become all too obvious as you read it). So to all you LHJ subscribers, sorry about that, and likewise to you those of you that are about to take the time to read it now.
j
So here we are again, back in Elkhart (or as I like to call it, North Dunlap). A couple miles to the southwest and a couple of weeks closer to next month. The friendly confines of Barney’s Bar will be our venue for the Racing Type Crabs this evening. Unnervingly handsome crowd tonite. Stephanie and Jesse are in the Skyboxes, and John, Todd , and Mike are down eleven X chromosomes to Loni, Beth, Cathy, Denise, Jody, Carrie, and Lindsey on Race Row. Our always cordial host is Ron. Kenny is our tabernero. Mike’s back in the kitchen and Natasha is on the floor (Yadda Yadda Yadda). The exceedingly cool Crystal Diamond is your Crab Racing DJ and tonite’s theme is Beers Of The World.
Which brings us to our first problem. Those of you who follow Professional Crab Racing know that extra points are awarded when your Crab’s name is related to the evening’s theme. Well apparently when Sonny said “Beers Of The World” last time, every person in the room heard “Superheros”. Hence a Crab named “Superboner”, while funny in and of itself, is somewhat less funny when it is running across a table covered with beer bottle labels (you don’t get any bonus points either). I couldn’t hear all of the conversation from where I was sitting, but after Sonny swore an oath to never misrepresent again, the crowd relented ( Unfortunately, Superboner was unable to make it out of the preliminaries).
When it was all said and done, Carrie took home the top prize with #71, Shot Monkey. In second was Loni with #34, Buster Hymen. And carrying the flag for those of us with Y chromosome disorder was Kevin, in third place with #0, Doody Daddy. (ed. Note- none of these three Crabs made the Semis in Marion on the 14th).
These being Professional Racing Crabs, they finished right on time at 9:30. They will return to Race again here at Barney’s on November 24th. That night’s theme will be Superhero Crab Racing, but it’s always good to have a backup name in place.
James Olsen